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Knowing Woman Sexuality

Orgasm: Women and Control

At a basic level, orgasm is a nervous system response that is stimulated by extreme sexual tension. The reflex which triggers orgasm is located in the spinal nerves and the unconscious brain. The ability to hold back can come from the higher conscious mind, as when a man learns to control his speedy drive. It can also come from the unconscious brain, particularly where there is fear or sexual disgust.

Orgasm is about letting go, letting go of the mind’s control over the body’s actions. One of the civilizing aspects of human culture is the ability to learn not to let go; not to let the body have its clamouring way over the mind’s higher desires. While self-control is essential in any group, indeed our culture would break down without it, the teaching of this control can be very overdone.

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Knowing Woman Sexuality

Sexual Dysfunction

The most common dysfunctions treated by sex therapists are:

    • Anorgasmia: The women has never, or only rarely, reached orgasm.
    • Delayed Ejaculation: The man can act sexually though seldom, if ever, climaxes in his partner’s presence.
    • Erectile Insecurity: Also called impotence, the condition is marked by difficulty in either getting or staying erect.
    • Inhibited Sexual Desire: A form of sexual apathy marked by infrequent sex, and a lack of thoughts and anticipation of sex.
    • Premature Ejaculation: The man climaxes more rapidly than he or his partner wishes, sometimes before intercourse begins.
    • Vaginismus: The woman desires sex, but her vaginal muscles contract involuntarily, preventing penetration.
    • Inappropriate Arousal: Being aroused by that which a culture deems inappropriate: children, animals, objects.

Most sex therapists find that when a couple finally summon the nerve to seek help, the problem is usually in an advanced stage, and can no longer be ignored, or endured. In nearly all cases, both partners need to be treated together.

The female problems such as anorgasmia and vaginismus are rare and psychological in origin. If mild, they can be solved by the woman herself with a vibrator. If severe, visit a sex therapist without delay. Male problems of ejaculatory control respond to self therapy and professional help. An erection problem can be the first sign of pre-diabetes, and the man should be tested for this promptly.

Inhibited Sexual Desire (ISD) appears to be a modern complaint amongst modern couples. Sex therapists say that it is by far the nation’s most common sexual dysfunction. For what are usually complex reasons, often including a past sexual problem, one or both partners have lost all desire for erotic intimacy.

Yet ISD is a philosophical concept, not a biological one. When and how often people wish to make love is a subjective issue. At its best, erotic love is an exquisitely sensitive bloom. Even when nurtured with the utmost love and tenderness, it can wax and wane, like the cycles of the moon.

It seems a very modern concept to regard the genitals as a set of engine parts which should be working. And that if one of these parts slows down or stops functioning, it should be taken to the auto body shop, and fixed. This mechanical way of perceiving what can be a most delicate interaction probably suits mechanical thinkers.

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Knowing Woman Sexuality

Orgasm

Erection

The clitoris is made of spongy tissue which can up fill with blood. This engorgement of tissue is vaso-congestion. Upon sexual arousal, extra blood from the pelvic arteries is pumped into the tissue, filling up the spongy spaces so that the clitoris swells in size. The muscles on each side contract and squeeze the only vein which runs along the top of the clitoris. This traps the extra blood inside; it cannot drain out. As more blood is pumped in, the swollen clitoris stiffens, rises, and lengthens to its maximum size. This is the process by which both the clitoris and penis become erect.

At the same time, extra blood is pumped into the vulva area, which thickens and flushes a deep red or purple. The outer labia swell to two or three times their pre-arousal size. The vagina responds with the sweating phenomenon. The walls are coated with moisture. The extensive system of connecting veins and muscles throughout the pelvis all respond to vaso-congestion. There is a feeling of fullness and heaviness, known as pelvic congestion. All this assists to move the woman towards the “orgasmic platform”.

The nipples also contain erectile tissue. At an early stage in arousal, they begin to harden and erect. The areola swells and spreads. The entire breasts are affected; they plump up and feel more tender; they are erotically charged when touched.

The Big O!

The clitoris and nipples are the main organs of arousal. If one or both are erotically stimulated for long enough, excitement increases until sexual tension becomes almost overpowering. As orgasm draws near, the clitoris becomes exquisitely sensitive; it cannot tolerate any more direct stimulation. It retracts, pulling back and retiring beneath its hood. Less often, the nipples become equally sensitive, and require no further stimulation.

Sexual tension is built by rhythmic friction. The thrusting of the penis causes maximum friction, maximum sensation, on the outer third of the vagina walls. In the missionary position, man on top, thrusting puts rhythmic pressure on the labia, which allows stimulation of the clitoris, though to a milder degree. Sucking or stroking the nipples in rhythmic movement produces the same effect. Erotic friction can be gentle or tough, slow or rapid, depending upon the particular needs at the time. Whichever, it must be rhythmic and persistent to build maximum sexual tension. As excitement increases, the entire body is charged with waves of tense pleasure. Muscle contractions ripple throughout the system. Like a waiting sneeze which has been building up, the persistency of the “friction factor” finally becomes explosive. The orgasmic platform has arrived. Now is the point of no return.

The vagina and surrounding tissues, the uterus, and sometimes the anus muscles all contract to a rhythmic beat at 0.8 second intervals; the same beat as in male orgasm. This beat can occur from between 3 to a maximum of 15 times, the same beat as in men. The last contractions are little more than ripples or shudders, again as in men. The more intense the orgasm, the longer the contractions last. A few women (and men) can have orgasms with no erotic friction whatsoever. They do it by fantasy, by imagination alone. Other women can have orgasms simply when they are kissed; the neck, earlobes, palms of the hands, toes — any part can be an erogenous zone.

The big “O’ varies. It is not always so big. There can be physical and emotional pleasure of such exquisite intensity that the feelings seem unendurable. There can be pleasing but low-key sensations which feel on a par with the satisfaction of a long-awaited sneeze. The degree of sensation at orgasm does not necessarily reflect on the woman, her partner, or the situation. They reflect on life. Orgasm is as variable as life itself.

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Knowing Woman Sexuality

Phantom Orgasm

Sadly in life, horrendous things do happen. Women can become paralyzed in their pelvic region from road accidents, disease, and so on. They can lose all sensation in their pelvic area. Yet many paralyzed women continue to be orgasmic. However, our culture tends to perceive people with such disabilities as non-sexual. Indeed, medical textbooks refer to these orgasms as “phantom orgasms.” This is a phantom of medical folklore.

Be that as it may, it is critical to understand:

A woman can have an orgasm without penetration.
A woman can have an orgasm without a penis.
A man can have an orgasm without an erection.
A man can have an orgasm without a penis.

In fact, some women (and men) have orgasms merely by willing them. They do not require foreplay, nor thrusting, to raise sexual tension first. This is rare, but it can and does happen. Keep in mind that people are individuals, and have very different levels of sexual drive.

The human spirit is a wonderful phenomenon. It can withstand the most appalling vicissitudes and still respond with courage and resourcefulness. Women are said to be more stoical than men. They are able to endure more pain, both mental and physical.

Loss of sensation is a savage assault on female primacy. A woman’s first response can be equally savage and destructive. If she responds with a seemingly quiet and depressive state, this is as damaging emotionally as a raging and bitter response. Keep in mind that the healing process can be speeded up by orgasm if so desired. Use a vibrator, erotica, anything which works.

In a loving relationship, the partner can take control. Seduce her out of her angry or passive state. Shock her out of grief and pain by relighting her sexual fires. Turn her emotional energies away from her broken body and back to where happiness awaits.

Avoid over-concern with her feelings. She is a woman still, a real woman, and will find your particular brand of “medication” irresistible. Tell her that she is desirable. Continue to enchant her until she has an orgasm. Then tell her she is so desirable that she must be prepared for another love-making session soon.

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Knowing Woman Sexuality

Orgasm: Party’s Over?

Some women have multiple orgasms. When they reach the orgasmic platform, they come again.., and again.., and again. It is not that the first orgasm was incomplete in any way. They are able to stay at a longer, later sexual peak, and allow orgasms to roll over them. After a man ejaculates, he must wait until his store of semen is replenished. In youth, this takes a few seconds. In later life, a day or more. Some men can have so-called “multiple orgasms” by external pressure on the perineum just before the orgasmic threshold is reached; or by mind control alone.

Detumescence is the flow of extra blood out of the area. The contractions of orgasm put pressure on all the blood vessels in the swollen organs and tissues. This pressure squeezes the extra blood out of them, and decongestion is complete. The clitoris returns to its normal size within 10 to 20 seconds after orgasm. The vagina takes some 15 minutes to return to its previous state. The uterus takes longer, between 10 and 30 minutes to become decongested and return to its previous size and position.

If there is no orgasm, there are no muscle contractions to put pressure on the blood vessels. The extra blood then pools in the organs and tissues, which remain swollen for some while. Eventually, it drains away, though this takes much longer than if orgasm has occurred. With intense sexual excitement followed by a consistent lack of orgasm over a long period of time, a feeling of pelvic congestion builds up. The sensations of this condition include vague discomfort in the pelvic area, backaches, and sometimes headaches.

Pelvic congestion is not the same as a vulva which stays swollen for a day or more after making love. In this case, the swollen sensation is due to the pounding of flesh upon flesh. From a health perspective alone, orgasm is of physical benefit to avoid pelvic congestion. It also benefits the emotional health not only of the woman, but also of her partner, and the relationship itself. Strong feelings of erotic gratification bring a closer, more profound, love.

Orgasm and Health

Orgasm is a powerful muscle relaxant. Its effects can be ten times as strong as the effects of Valium and other tranquilizers. After illness, orgasm assists on the road back to health. Some doctors believe it is the best prescription for easing mild back pain, and so affording a relaxed and pain-free night of sleep.

Orgasm can be excellent aerobic activity. Blood pressure, heart, and breathing rate all have a thorough workout, without the bother of putting on a tracksuit. The benefits to psychological health can be invaluable: profound emotional release, closer partner attachment, and an increase in mutual love, support, and self-esteem.

Perspiration: One woman in three sweats on the forehead, the top lip, and underarm. A thin film may cover the back and thighs.

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Knowing Woman Sexuality

Pain at Orgasm

Pain at orgasm can occur if the contractions of the uterus become very powerful. In a few cases, they can be as wracking as the cramps of a period. Why put up with unnecessary pain? Visit the physician promptly. The condition may be due to a hormone imbalance which can be sorted out. More often though, these powerful contractions are not experienced as pain, but as a short time of discomfort. Rest after orgasm. The pains will subside as the uterus slowly subsides and returns to its normal size.

Dyspareunia is lovemaking that is painful or difficult. The pain is experienced at some point in the vagina. In rare cases, there can be problems of clitoral adhesions or birth defects. There may be an allergy to some substance in the semen or sperm. More often, pain on thrusting is due to an undiagnosed yeast infection which produces no other symptoms. This pain is sorer and does not begin until thrusting has continued for some time.

However, in the majority of cases, the problem is a lack of sufficient lubrication. This can be avoided by the use of external lubricants. Avoid oils and creams which contain alcohol; they irritate.

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Knowing Woman Sexuality

Myths

Put a check against any of the following which may have been a part of childhood learning:

  • Sex is dirty and nasty.
  • The act of love should end in orgasm.
  • The man is the one to initiate making love.
  • Women should not show that they desire sex.
  • Orgasms are important for procreation only.
  • Orgasms come naturally when you are in love.
  • Orgasms will happen with the “right” partner.
  • Orgasms are less important for women than men.
  • Both people should have orgasms at the same time.
  • Women over a certain age lose interest in orgasms.

A myth is a fable, a concept. A myth is defined in most dictionaries as “an idea which forms part of the belief system of a group, but which is not founded on fact.” In historical terms, the reality has been that female sexuality was defined by men. Now the myth has been broken, largely thanks to the women’s movement. Female sexuality can be regarded in the same light as male sexuality.

Or can it? How can a woman maintain economic parity and produce babies at the same time? Many women are struggling with this difficult problem today. If they have a loving, mature partner, he can help. However, the disparity between what women need and what they must settle for seems to be growing greater, not less.

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Knowing Woman Sexuality

Orgasm: Men and Control

If erotic stimulation of the clitoris lasts from 1 to 10 minutes, 40 percent of women will have an orgasm. If stimulation lasts for 20 minutes, 90 percent will. If the clitoris is only stimulated at penetration, and for less than 1 minute, few women climax. With thrusting time of 1 to 11 minutes, 50 percent will. Almost all women will have an orgasm after 16 minutes of non-stop erotic stimulation.

Men are biologically primed to reach orgasm and ejaculate in less than two minutes. Young boys can come in five to ten seconds. This has been called a problem of timing, but is it? A man who wishes to satisfy his beloved must work against his speedy drive. He must prepare for the long, slow feast of love rather than the short, sharp burst which is natural to him. This involves learning control of his ejaculate before the critical threshold of orgasm; not always an easy feat.

All men come too soon (premature ejaculation) or too late (retarded ejaculation) at some time. If only on the odd occasion, keep in mind that it is too soon or late for the woman, not for the man. Men who hold back at pre-orgasm are not being purely altruistic. Apart from the satisfaction and pride in gratifying their partner, they too want to prolong their own sensations of pleasure.

There still exist a few men who are not interested in giving pleasure, only in getting it. Others recognize that they have a problem, but refuse to try to resolve it. In either case, the man is likely to be very uncertain of his manhood. He feels too threatened to accept that he can learn ejaculatory control. If he knows about the boost to his manhood which comes with gaining this control, he may be more open to seeking help.

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Knowing Woman Sexuality

Changes at Orgasm

The clitoris lengthens and thickens, reaching maximum size. Just before orgasm, it pulls back behind the foreskin (hood).

The vagina dilates, the inner two-thirds widen and lengthen. The walls turn deep purple and are coated with lubricating fluid.

The labia outer lips open and flatten out. The inner lips thicken and thrust forwards.

The uterus balloons to almost twice its size. It rises and the cervix is pulled up away from the vagina.

The heart rate increases from an average 60 to 80 beats per minute to between 100 and 150.

The breathing rate becomes fast and shallow, and can speed up to 3 times its normal resting rate.

Muscle tension: The pelvis, abdomen, back and thighs contract and are held in a state of high tension.

Body language: The face can contort into a rictus, a glaring grimace; the hands may claw, the toes curl, the feet arch.

Mind: Mental faculties appear to be “gone,” so deeply are they buried under orgasm’s spell.

Sex rash: A rosy, measles-like rash starts at the throat and abdomen, then spreads to the breasts in 75 percent of women.

Sneezing: Attacks of sneezing, if they occur, are due to vaso-congestion in the nose.

Perspiration: One woman in three sweats on the forehead, the top lip, and underarm. A thin film may cover the back and thighs.